Bunissima

In sfarsit, m-au lasat in pace, nu stiu cine, nu stiu de ce, dar pentru vreo cateva luni bune am fost inecata de spamuri referitoare la online poker gaming pokero jouer poker, spamuri ce compilau engleza franceza si spaniola. Quite smart, if you ask me. Gata, nu mai am spam. Ma si speriasem, credeam ca e ceva in neregula.

In alte stiri ale zilei, un tip, Tibi, isi deschide un “multicomplex” in Italia, Roma, care include restaurant, sala de nu-stiu-ce, pare-se fotbal, discoteca… 10 intr-unul, sapte dintr-o lovitura, ce sa mai. Foarte inteligenta ideea. Desi se pare ca romanii de acolo sunt atrasi de cantitatile enorme de carne si manele, asozonate cu maieuri tip plasa, zorzonele sclipicioase ce se misca ametitor in ritmul buricului, si taraf (a se citi manele), ideea in sine este izvorata din chiar sufletul de roman al patronului. Romanii, sau cel putin majoritatea lor, au o fire nostalgica. Se gandesc cu melancolie la Romanica lor si la modul nemaipomenit de viata de aici. Nimic de obiectat, totul merge spre bine, mereu. Multi dintre ei, se gandesc la ce tare o sa se loveasca atunci cand o sa cada pe spate vecinii si prietenii cand ii vad cu Audi-ul cu numar de Italia si inelele si lanturile de aur, fara numar (ok, stiu ca deja ca a hamai despre chestia asta cu manele, lanturi si dansuri din buric e expirata, dar, for crying out loud, nu si in practica). Si cel mai mult le place romanilor sa intalneasca alti romani si sa vada cat de mult i-au surclasat… sau the other way around, daca e cazul, cu mustrarile de constiinta necesare.

Si uite asa, vecinii de bloc, care bloc se afla mult mai departe de al meu bloc, nepretuit si neasemuit fata de alte minunate cutii de chibrituri gri construite pe vremea comunismului, vecinii astia, asa cum spuneam, se strang in fata blocului MEU, sa joace remy. Stiu ca am spus zaruri in titlu, dar asta e, de dragul artei, taceti si ingititi. Si baietii astia, draguti, educati si manierati, care poarta smokinguri si isi cara si laptopurile cu ei, si zic mereu saru’mana… err, asta e din alt film, scuze, care poarta slapi si probabil aceleasi tricouri cu care au dormit in seara trecuta, asadar si prin urmare, vin aici sa joace remy in fiecare zi. Zi de zi. ZI DE ZI. Zi de zi ma delectez cu clinchetul induiosator si zglobiu al tabletelor dreptunghiulare de remy si cu un baga-mi-as, ‘tu-ti mortii matii, si multe alte delicatese ocazionale si originare. Si, ca si intelenovela Madre luna, se pare ca aici este luna plina mereu. Altfel cum mi-as explica incantatoarele si romanticele urlete de lup? Iar fetele? Ce face fetele?

Fetele vine frumos la ora cinci, dupa memorabilul ceai, erm, romanesc (a se citi amaratul de job), imbracate in lanturi de aur si haine made in China, pentru a evalua tinuta - in toate sensurile, morala, fizica si vestimentara- a tuturor aia care indrazneste sa le deranjeze dulcea visare transcendentala. Ce alta delectare poate avea un suflet simplu care se duce sa isi cumpere paine, suc de portocale 100% natural sau vin, decat cea de a auzi parerile experimentate ale unor guru in toate domeniile? Parul tau e ca pusca pentru ca n-ai mai iesit din casa de cateva zile? Pai o sa te anunte ele. Apelativul Marie e suficient. A, te-ai imbracat naspa, deja stii, dupa cum se intorc pe rand toate capsoarele ala dragute si se uita la tine din cap pana in picioare. Poate dea domnul sa te prefaci ca te uiti in telefon ca sa scapi ochilor ageri fixati asupra ta, o sa numere pana la trei, pentru ca atunci vei baga telefonul in buzunar. Psihologie, nu gluma.

In alta ordine de idei, o vecina a avut inspiratia sa cheme politia sau si mai rau, sa le atraga frumos atentia ca nu se cade sa lasi bidoane goale de bere, mucuri de tigara, coji de seminte si injuraturi goale si tari in fata unui bloc in care nici macar nu locuiesti. Partea buna e ca m-au trezit mai devreme decat ma trezesc de obicei. Partea rea… Amenintarile curgeau nesmintite in toata frumusetea lor si toate incercarile femeii de aduce orice urma de ratiune in discutie au fost zadarnicite de vorbele smecherite ale jucausilor experimentati in remy.

Uneori, romanul e ca spamul. E un simplu joc de noroc.

We don’t have many myths. We are a poor people in that but I am sure that if we tried harder we could find out that there is more to it.
Think destiny, think fatality. This is what characterises the Romanian people.

Maybe the younger generations are changing (even though I heard a girl at the pool saying that what’s written for you it is going to happen no matter what, she was very loud about it too). In here God is everywhere. People do not go to church ever so often though. The “Sunday clothes” no longer exist, people do not take the weekly Sunday bath any more. Instead there are shiny disco clothes, shiny street clothes, cell phones and lots of personal goods value. But Romanians are still very, very faithful. Even if they are crazy about making fun and lauging at other people’s misfortune, about being mean sometimes and about pretty much what comes with a modern society, Romanians are like a rock when it comes about God. If they make mistakes, god is good enough to forgive them. Don’t get me wrong, I am not against modern society. You can’t be, unless you are my grandma and can’t understand why tight jeans are a must. I am not even talking about god here. Just about fatality.

One of our fundamental myths is about fatality. About how you cannot avoid your “destiny”. The story is simple: the shepherd hears from his faithful sheep that his other two shepherd companions want to kill him and take all his sheeps. Instead of fighting and trying to run, he accepts his destiny. In the whole, his testament is in fact an allegory of the death-wedding perspective, so common in Romania (they used to dress the young unmarried dead in bridal clothes, because they thought thay they will get married in the other world, le monde d’au dela).
It is not beyond reason why people choose to be so fatal-oriented. People have always gathered around the axis mundi that represented safety. It is so hard to understand that thers is nothing out there to control your life, because life is so complicated and so full of unknown threats everyday.

I do not believe in fatality, in the so-it-was-written thingy. No one can prove this exists. Just like belief, it is a matter of belief. But what makes the most sense, is that nothing is “written.” Where is it written? What happens is indeed a cumulation of facts, events, and people’s personal decisions and wishes, and sometimes you just cannot avoid this. That’s what a society is. An individual makes his own decisions and takes actions, but they are always reflected into other people’s decisions and actions. And I don’t mind if anyone thinks things are different. We are all free to have oppinions.

What bugs me though, is this fatal spirit of Romanians. “What is written for you, it’s branded on your forehead”. This is not true. Choice is a choice is a choice. Good and evil is all inside you. You have the power to decide. Ignorance and le mal esprit cna, of corse can be a factor, but that was not your choice, unless you realized you had it. Think well, what are the wishes that did not come true? Why is that? Maybe you did not want it really hard enough. When you want something, it is you who fight for it, and no one else. When you doubt, anything will be broken in half, between wish and fear. It is one or the other. It is the good and the evil. It is all inside you. All it matters is you have the choice.

I mean, I understand that, being a simple tranlsator is hard. You don’t always know all the cultural and cuisine stuff form around the world, but, I mean, some things are just simple. This job trains your ear so you get everything people say in a foreign language (you know, sounds, words), especially if you can rewind, even if you don’t understand what it means. Please do not translate “guacamole” as “aguamole” and “banana split” as “banana flips.” Kthanks.

“Buna seara doamnelor si domnilor. In seara aceasta veti afla de ce trebuie sa aveti incredere in emisiuni tv precum raniti din dragoste sau in dragoste sau cam asa ceva, de ce locatarii unui bloc refuza sa plateasca intretinerea, de ce nu este electricitate in spitalul judetean din judetul X si de ce capra unui satean din satul Y a fost brutal ucisa intr-o conjunctura absconse intelegerii ei.
………………………………………………………………………………………………
Din cate am inteles pana acum, insotitorul caprei se afla la o bariera, asteptand sa treaca trenul. Stand el ca tot el omul, asa, cu capra de hat, la un moment dat a realizat ca in apropierea lui se certau doua persoane intr-o caruta. Nu stim exact de ce se certau, se pare ca era vorba despre cine va mana caii dupa bariera. Omul, ca orice bun cetatean, s-a gandit sa-i imbuneze pe acei oameni care isi pierdusera sensul ratiunii asupra capastrului. El si-a legat capra de bariera care era lasata in asteptarea trenului si s-a dus catre cei doi. Nu a reusit sa aplaneze conflictul pana in momentul trecerii trenului, iar cand caruta cu tot cu cei doi conducatori ai ei s-a miscat din loc, omul s-a dus sa isi ia capra si sa-si vada de treaba lui. Nu a mai apucat insa sa o dezlege, pentru ca era spanzurata de bariera care se ridicase intre timp. In loc sa o dezlege cat mai repede, omul si-a pus mainile in cap, s-a luat de par si a inceput sa boceasca.
Andrei, care se afla la locul faptei, ne va da mai multe detalii. Andrei, ai legatura!”
“Multumesc, Andreea. Se pare ca omul in cauza si-a legat capra de bariera pentru a aplana un conflict intre cei doi conducatori ai carutei. Omul a uitat ca avea capra legata de bariera, iar cand bariera a fost ridicata, capra a fost trasa in sus de franghie pana s-a asfixiat. Avem aici cativa martori oculari care au fost de fata cand s-a petrecut nenorocirea. Domnilor, ce imi puteti spune despre acest evenimet?”
“Pai stam si noi aci ca sa sa treaca trenul si la un moment dat am vazut capra cum dadea din picioare…”
“Da domne, am vazut ce a facut omul acela, e inuman ce s-a intamplat, ar trebui pedepsit…”
“Aoleo, murii capra, saraca, asta e semn de la Dumnezeu, ne pedepseste pentru pacatele noastre…”
“Am facut-o de oaie… adica as putea sa zic de capra, stiti… off, o sa ma omoare nevasta-mea cand o auzi…”
“Din pacate capra nu a mai putut fi salvata. Cei de la protectia animalelor au fost sesizati si omul se va alege nu numai cu o capra in minus ci si cu o amenda. Andreea, si legatura”

Lately, I started running. I do this in the evening because I never wake up early enough and the rest of the day is really hot. All this happens on a road along a river, where people not only jog and walk but also gather on the side of the road in groups for different reasons. Some come there to smoke and thus give the wonderful opportunity of smoking for free while jogging to the people who jog, some come there to walk their dogs, some to stuck thier tongues in their boyfriens/girlfriend’s throats (get-a-room!), some to fish, some just to STARE or combine all these. But mostly yes, allcaps, S-T-A-R-E, you get the point, annoying, intense staring.

But this does not end here, staring is not all, it is just the beggining of a creative process that Romanians are so gifted with, which is called Commenting.
So, the process takes place something like this:
1. They see you from far away. They have no fucking clue about who you are. Precisely because of this, they want to discover more.
2. The closer you get, the more they stare.
3. The Stare, as a muse, has brought them the Inspiration.
4. While you are passing right near them or right after you passed them, they do it, they hit you with it so they can see how weak you are in front of their creations, they let their Inspiration come out in a form of Commenting.

The commenting is street poetry, if so you wish, it is like nothing you can see in the real books, that’s just bullshit. Romanians, in places like this, feel like it’s their duty to let you know what they think, to be honest, to be very creative. Romanians feel the stringent need to let you know that, if you are decided to ignore them by minding your own business, they will let you know they exist by commenting something at your address.
Quoted form the Inspirational commenting poetry:
“Wow, nice glasses, where did you borrow those from?” -a girl wanting to make fun of people that pretend to be someone else… just like her

“1,2,3,1,2,3,” (in the rhytm you run, you get the idea) - by a guy and also by some 40 years old housewives- give a welcoming ‘WTF?’ to the latter

“Hey, girls, I would like to get married but no one wants me, can you take me?” said by a 10 year old encouraged by his retarded father

“Can I run with you?” (an idiot fishing)

“Hey gipsy!”- WTF?

“Muuuuuuuuu” -just a cow, for one moment there I thought someone was making another bad joke

“RAAAWWWRRWWAA” - another idiot that had been snorting too much smoke form the grill fire

“Hey, don’t hook the girls with the fish hook” - a fishermam to his other idiotic smiling fishermen friends.

If I had been answering these, here are my answers:
“Yo’ mama!”
“Even old women feel the need to Comment, how’bout the young and the restless?”
“You two need to grow up some more”
“No, swim with your fishes”
“Your village is burning”
“WTF?”
Hit the ignore button.
Hit the ignore button.
Hit the ignore button.
Hit the ignore button.
Hit the ignore button.
Hit the ignore button.

“Si in alte stiri ale zilei, un barbat care locuieste la etajul doi intr-un apartament dintr-un cartier din Bucuresti si-a batut sotia pentru ca aceasta cumparase castraveti de gradina. Conform martorilor, vecinul voia castraveti in folie, pentru ca arata mai bine. Drept urmare si-a batut sotia si a lasat-o fara bani de cumparaturi pentru doua zile.
Biata femei ne marturiseste chiar acum de la locul faptei, Andrei, ai legatura!”
“Se pare ca omul s-a infuriat foarte tare cand a vazut castravetii de gradina si si-a iesit din minti, a inceput sa dea in femeie cu ce a apucat, inclusiv cu castravetii, iar dupa aceea a luat-o la palme. Doamna spuneti-ne si dumneavoastra cum s-a petrecut totul”
“Pai domne, eu am venit cu castravetii si el s-a suparat ca nu am luat din aia scumpii, da’ de ce sa iau io din aia scumpii, ca nu avem atatia bani, traim si noi din pensie… cred ca i s-a urcat la cap toate mofturile alora de le televizor…”
“Multumesc doamna, e suficient, Andreea, ai legatura!”

pentru ca ei stiu unde este Romania si nu toti americanii stiu? si pentru ca toti romanii stiu unde sunt Tonga, Burma, Oman?
nu, raspuns gresit.
noi suntem mai destepti pentru ca suntem foarte creativi si inventivi. totul se invarteste, nimic nu se pierde.
acestea fiind zise, in graficul urmator veti putea avea o prima imagine a acestei invarteli de natura tehnologica pe care romanii stiu sa o foloseasca spre beneficiul lor.

este o simpla usa, dragilor, o simpla usa de la buda unui camin din Bucuresti, nu conteaza ce se ascunde in spatele ei

desi nu e nimic nou aici aveti descrierea completa a inteligentei mioritice a romanilor

nu stiu de ce, dar am impresia ca in Romania nu se primesc suficiente premii pentru creativitate si inventii. cum ziceau aia de la Vama Veche, americanii-s de vina…

So, as an ending for tonight’s thrilogy (more like a 4-logy, if that word exists), I must speak about the wonderful adventures in the Narnia of electricity. I kid you not. It has been a fantastic adventure I have been going through since my laptop decided it does not like Romanian electricity anymore (probably longing for the native plugs, where it used to have better offer than the Romanian electricity company has to offer - yes, there’s only one, to not leave place for doubts).
But let me rewind, and take you to beggining of this whole adventure.
At first, there was nothing but a couple of broken plugs. Summonig the good forces, we made it so that these were taken care of by a very skilfull electrician from around these parts of the world, who has made sure that the plugs will not ever bring ay grief.
And then, some others broke out in a heresy, defying all that was good and fair. But this was also taken care of by the already familiar character, the famous electrician now known around the entire shire for being the saviour of the plugs that take the wrong path.

There were some other nights when the Ruler of all plugs was showing some discontent, making all kinds of noises and flames and buzzing like it was annoyed by some evil force floating around in the air. It has all been ignored, because no major damage or obvious results, erm … resulted.
But last night was different. Sometimes, me and my best mate, my HP P-Cee, decide to move from one place to another to explore new possibilities of fighting and defeating the evil, by trying new plugs. And the Ruler of all plugs started buzzing and groaning and moaning and sparkling flames at us in a defying attitude, like he did not want us to be there.
So we left the plug, but I guess it was a bit too late because the Ruler did not stop his terrible and scary menace. At some point some other P-Cees around the territory started having funny behaviours and speech impediments, talking in a red language, saying they can’t go on like this.
So, the brave warrior that always does what she pleases, decided it’s about time to have a talk with the Ruler of all plugs, as scary as it was.

And the result was disastrous.

Its rather impertinent evil Pawns tottaly took down the warrior that was figting for the good of all plugs, of the all mighty Internet and for all the scared P-Cees. Here’s how the pawns looked, be wary of their power:

And this is how they looked after sacrificing their lives, so they can take out all the life from the plugs that bring happiness to folks:

But the fight was not over yet. The electrician was called again, with hope and some money tied on a rope. And waited for hours and hours that for the inhabitants of this shire, seemed like centuries. Eventually, the ugly truth has come to the surface. He deserted. He was too tired fighting the Ruler and also announced that he was not going to be available for the next centuries because of some pagan holidays, like Sunday, and Monday, because for some reason, this Monday is not a working day.

We assesed all the possibilities. The Aunt might have known about some other electrician that was a trusted warrior. She did not.

The Electrica SA, or whatever the family name was, the evil and yet reasonable ruler of all Rulers cut it shortly saying they do not deal with it and that we should call a friend.

So we called our Sister. She suggested we should try different combinations between the pawns of the Ruler and see if the pawns were dead or if the Ruler of all plugs itself was dead. Apparenlty just the pawns of the plugs. Not the Ruler, not the pawns of the light bulbs from the shire.
From then on, there were two options. Find some new pawns, or switch the light bulb pawns with the plug pawns.
After a walk in the crude terrible rain throughout the entire territory where all the pawn shops were closed and hope as well, we decided to go to plan #2. Evil and risky but better than just getting bored to death. Switch the pawns. Vote was unanimous. Celebration came. Wine was poured and cookies eaten.

All the inhabitants were happy to give up light when they wash their hands so their P-Cees can light their ways.

And so it happened. Wired was the word.

And it was worthed. Everyone was happy.

Never was this adventure forgotten. Stories are still being told, even without light bulbs but with one plug… the only one that survived the war.